Part one of a collection of best tweets found in the #bisexualfacts twitter tag.
So, mump and I have a tradition. And that tradition is that every year at Christmas time, we drive down to Canberra to buy an advent calendar.
But Zio, there are advent calendars in Sydney!
Yes, but no tradition worth having is either practical or rational, my love. And luckily, the words “practical” and “rational” have never been successfully applied to my friendship with mump.
The point of the advent calendar is that it’s tacky and fun. What we do for the day in our nation’s capital doesn’t matter, so long as the quest ends in numerically labelled festive chocolates. Sometimes the trip is amazing, like 2011’s WWE effort. Sometimes it’s tacky and beautiful, like my flying heart tattoo captured on the 2012 voyage. And sometimes, like this year, our trip happens to coincide with the technical five day legality of gay marriage in Canberra. Hence, the nicknaming of this year’s travels as GAY QUEST. CAPSLOCK ESSENTIAL.
Usually, we wait for inspiration to strike once we’ve browsed the advent calendars available. But this year, having spent the last twelve months watching Rave’s rapid descent into madness, our hearts were pretty much set on a stunning 1D design. We didn’t check to see if there would be one, because have you seen the world these days? There is a One Direction everything.
So you need to understand the mindset. You have two people who have left their houses before seven in the morning. They have driven for three hours to another state to find an advent calendar.
Now imagine there isn’t one. There is no One Direction advent calendar.
Not a disaster, right? All we want is to celebrate in cheap chocolate form. There are so many other options. We could hit up the Dora The Explorer section, or maybe buy that one design where Santa looks like a dead man who exchanges toys for years of your life. And you’re right, any other year we would have purchased Dora or Satan and gone away happy.
But no. For some reason, this year, I don’t know why, it had to be One Direction. Nothing else would do.
So we left the store. And then we checked literally every other store in the shopping centre, including T2. And then we left the shopping centre. And then we left the suburb. And then we drove to another shopping centre in another suburb. Because we needed to find a One Direction calendar.
But it’s when we couldn’t find a 1D calendar in the second shopping centre that things started to get weird. We started calling all of the shopping centres in Canberra. We had intended to leave their town an hour ago, but we couldn’t go until we had that damn calendar. Mump drove aimlessly from suburb to suburb while I called every shopping centre I could think of. I’d open in a light polite voice with the question “Hey, I was just wondering, does your store stock advent calendars?” If I received an answer in the affirmative, my eyes would darken and my voice would drop eight octaves as I growled into the mouthpiece with the power of all of my past forms, “DO ANY OF THEM FEATURE ONE DIRECTION?”
For some reason, this always resulted in me being put on hold.
Whenever a shop assistant took us off hold, they’d catch snippets of the increasingly loud and deranged conversation going on between myself and mump. A man who had thus far only heard the polite iteration of my question picked up the phone in time for me to yell in his ear, “GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN CANBERRA.” He popped me back on hold. Another lady got an earful of the phrase, “ZAYNE HAS, LIKE, BIRD BONES.”
Eventually, after an hour, three shopping centres and five phone calls, a man named Alastair told us we should definitely come check out his shopping centre. He didn’t have any 1D calendars and clearly thought we were mental, but he said that the Big W across the floor from him had loads of Direction stuff, so there were probably calendars there. He rang off pretty quickly.
We drove. We parked. We entered the store. We split up. At this point we had our “combing a store for One Direction chocolate” routine down pat.
I walked past One Direction stockings, One Direction lunch boxes, One Direction posters, One Direction lollipops, One Direction skateboards. And then I saw them. In the discount section. Rows and rows of One Direction advent calendars.
I breathed a little bit funny. I put my hand on a stranger’s shoulder. And then I grabbed two calendars and went off in search of mump.
I couldn’t find her. I walked in circles, aisle after aisle, clutching a One Direction calendar in each hand at chest height, angled forwards like Hell’s snow plow.
Eventually, inspiration struck. I headed back the way I had come, towards the calendars.
I spotted her through the crowd.
She was standing by the calendars, in the middle of the checkout line. She saw my grinning maw through the Christmas masses.
I held the calendars triumphantly above my head as people turned and stared.
We jumped up and down.
When we’d started on this adventure, two hours earlier, I’d intended to pick up Christmas presents for Yvette and Ma Pajamas. In the end, under the influence of our relieved hysteria, we walked out of that store with eight energy drinks, two advent calendars, a roll of rainbow wrapping paper and a One Direction toothbrush.
'Summer in Australia' is basically shorthand for ‘Snakes! SNAKES! Oh good god so many snakes!’ - but it also means that we see more of these little guys! Or big guys, in this Blue Tongue’s case: he was over 30cm long.
#remember when sookie was played by a fat actress and there were literally no jokes about her weight on the show? #remember how she wasn’t defined by her weight? #remember how she got to date and get married and have kids and not be just the token funny fat friend of the main character? #remember when she ~got her life together and was happy before lorelai and that wasn’t seen as threatening?
remember how her insecurities (which she did have, because doesn’t everyone?) had nothing to do with her appearance and were more about her artistic failures, her ability to be a mom, her “annoying quirks” she thought Jackson would get tired of?
remember how even though she was often clumsy forgetful and disorganized she was still portrayed as a competent adult? remember how her decision to get married and have kids didn’t diminish her career as a master chef and entrepreneur? remember how she was a bubbly and funny supporting character without being shallow or unintelligent?